Post by Lilly on Jun 30, 2006 19:45:15 GMT
Here's the official script to the episode Dad's Back! i got it from suitelifefans.com
SuiteLifeFans.com :: TSL INFO :: SEASON ONE :: S01E19 :: S01E19 SCRIPT S01E19 Dad's Back
Script
COLD OPENING
FADE IN:
INT. LOBBY – DAY (DAY 1)
(ZACK, CODY, CARY, MOSEBY, MADDIE, KURT, EXTRAS)
CAREY CROSSES TO MADDIE AND MOSEBY AT THE CANDY COUNTER. DURING THIS CONVERSATION, CAREY UNCONSCIOUSLY STARTS EATING SOMETHING FROM A BOWL ON THE COUNTER.
CAREY
I am so ticked of at the boys. Their father’s coming and they were supposed to be home at five.
MADDIE
Oh, I guess you’re a little nervous about seeing your ex.
CAREY
Why do you say that?
MADDIE
Because you just ate my decorative soaps.
FROM THE UPSTAGE LEFT DOORWAY, ZACK AND CODY COME IN “SKATEBOARDING” ACROSS THE UPSTAGE ON A LUGGAGE CART.
CODY
Stoke! Stroke! Stroke!
CAREY
Oh, no, no!
THE CART ZOOMS ACROSS THE LOBBY AND EXITS INTO THE OPPOSITE HALLWAY. WE HEAR A CRASH. MOSEBY AND CAREY CROSS OVER.
MOSEBY
It’s a good thing their father is coming. The boys need a firm parental hand.
JUST THEN, KURT, THE BOYS’ FATHER, COMES “SKATEBOARDING” IN ON A LUGGAGE CART COMING FROM THE SAME PLACE THE BOYS DID.
KURT
Stroke! Stoke! Whoa, coming through!
MOSEBY JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY, LANDING ON THE FLOOR. KURT TUMBLES OUT OF THE CART.
CAREY
Mr. Moseby, I’d like you to meet my ex-husband, Kurt.
MOSEBY
I see that the apples don’t fall far from the tree.
KURT HELPS AN ANNOYED MOSEBY OFF THE FLOOR.
KURT
Sorry, man.
MOSEBY
It’s Mr. Moseby.
KURT
Sorry, Mr. Moseby man.
ZACK AND CODY LAUGH. CAREY SHOOTS THEM A LOOK AND THEY STOP.
ZACK
This is our dad.
MOSEBY
No kidding.
CODY
Hey, mom. Dad’s taking us to his concert tonight.
MOSEBY
Goody. How are you getting there, taxi or luggage cart?
CAREY
Not so fast. You guys promised me you’d do your homework before your dad got here.
CODY
I already did mine.
ZACK
You sicken me. (TO CAREY) Come on, mom. It’s almost spring break and we haven’t seen dad in six months.
KURT
Zack, your mom is absolutely right.
CAREY
Thanks.
KURT
You’re going to do your homework… in a limo!
ZACK
A limo? Cool!
CODY
Bye, mom.
THE BOYS GRAB THEIR BACKPACKS AND RUSH FOR THE DOOR.
CAREY
(CALLING AFTER THEM) No, wait, not too late! And don’t forget to spell check… Ah, who am I kidding, they’re not doing any homework.
FADE OUT:
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT. LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)
(MADDIE, LONDON, EXTRAS)
LONDON CROSSES TO MADDIE.
LONDON
Hey Maddie, how are you?
MADDIE
Well, my straight A grade point average is being threatened just because Sister Mary Fredo is failing me in P.E. Now I’m not going to get into a good college just because I can’t do a sit up, run, or climb a stupid rope.
LONDON
Don’t you know the answer to “How are you?” is “Fine. What can I do for you, London?”
MADDIE
Fine. What can I do for you, London?
LONDON
Get me one of my magazine please.
MADDIE BENDS OVER, STRUGGLING TO PICK UP A STACK OF MAGAZINES.
LONDON (CONT’D)
Wow, you are weak. Here, let me do it.
LONDON EASILY PICKS UP THE STAKE OF MAGAZINES.
MADDIE
How did you get so strong?
LONDON
I work out. I’ve been trained by some of the top professionals. I’d make my own video, but why should anyone else look this good?
MADDIE
I need a really good grade in gym. Can you help me get an A? Boy, I never thought I’d say that.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. TIPTON GYM – NEXT DAY (DAY 2) (MADDIE, LONDON, EXTRAS)
MADDIE WALKS IN. LONDON IS THERE TRICKED OUT IN FASHIONABLE WORKOUT ATTIRE. MADDIE WEARS AN OVERSIZED T-SHIRT AND SWEATS.
LONDON
Okay, first thing’s first. That outfit, horrible.
MADDIE
Can we go to number tow?
LONDON
Okay, your hair - -
MADDIE
Three!
LONDON
Fine. Show me how many push ups you can do.
MADDIE GETS ON THE GROUND FACE DOWN. SHE CAN’T DO ONE.
LONDON (CONT’D)
Okay, that was the push. Later well work on the up.
MADDIE
Can we go back to my hair?
LONDON
Yes, it’s as weak and brittle as you. Okay, maybe we should start on the lat machine.
LONDON TAKES MADDIE OVER TO THE LAT PULL DOWN MACHINE.
MADDIE
I’d rather start on the cappuccino machine.
LONDON POSITIONS THE BAR BEHIND MADDIE’S HEAD. MADDIE GRASPS IT.
LONDON
Suck it up, bones. All you have to do is hold this bar and pull it down behind your back. Like this. Now you try.
LONDON RELEASES THE BAR AND MADDIE PULLED UP OUT OF HER SEAT.
MADDIE
I like this one.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE THREE
INT. THE FAMILY SUITE – NIGHT (NIGHT 2) (ZACK, CODY, KURT)
THE PLACE IS A WRECK. KURT, CODY, AND ZACK HAVE THE FURNITURE PUSHED BACK AND HAVE SET UP A BASEBALL DIAMOND. KURT IS PITCHING A ROLLED UP SOCK BALL TO CODY, WHO USES A COUCH CUSHION AS A BAT. ZACK IS IN THE “OUTFIELD”.
KURT
Bottom of the ninth. Two outs. Full count. Bases loaded.
ZACK
Hey batta batta batta!
KURT THROWS THE BALL, CODY HITS IT. ZACK FIELDS THE BALL AS CODY RUNS TO “FIRST BASE.” ZACK RUSHES TO TAG CODY OUT, IT’S A CLOSE PLAY.
ZACK (CONT’D)
You’re out!
CODY
I am not. I got to the lamp way before you did.
ZACK
The throw pillow is first base.
CODY
Since when?
ZACK
Since we cracked the light bulb.
KURT
Be sure to tell your mom I’m gonna pay for that.
DAD PICKS THE BOYS UP.
CODY
You are going down, mister!
ZACK
You know, this is great, Dad.
CODY
Yeah, we’ve really missed you.
KURT
I missed you too. You know, I’d love to have you guys on the road with me. It would be so much fun.
ZACK
Yeah, we could do all this, but be on a tricked bus.
CODY
Sounds fun, but I get woozy reading in a moving vehicle.
ZACK
Cody, you put the “Z’s” in parties.
KURT
Alright, guys. Enough fooling around. It’s time to do your homework, ‘cause it’s (CHECKS HIS WATCH) midnight.
ZACK/CODY/KURT
Oops.
KURT
So, I’ll just tell your mom how important it is for boys to bond with their father. If that doesn’t work, I’ll break down crying.
ZACK
Works for us.
KURT
Right now, it’s time for bed. But first brush your teeth… and floss.
THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND LAUGH. ZACK PICKS UP THE REMOTE TO TURN OFF THE TV AND NOTICES…
ZACK
Hey, Monster Chiller Horror Theater is on.
CODY
They’re showing “The Thing That Ate Everything.”
KURT
Ooo, that’s a good one. Okay, just the beginning.
THEY SITE ON THE COUCH AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR
INT. THE FAMILY SUITE – LATER (NIGHT 2) (ZACK, CODY, CAREY, KURT)
WE PAN DOWN TO SEE KURT IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. ZACK IS ASLEEP ON HIS CHEST. CODY IS STARING AT THE TV THROUGH HIS BLANKIE, HORRIFIED.
CODY
(TO THE TV) Don’t open the closet… Don’t open the closet.
CAREY OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ENTERS FROM WORK.
CODY (CONT’D)
Ahhhh!
CAREY
Ahhhh!
ZACK AND KURT WAKE UP AND SCREAM.
KURT/ZACK
Ahhhh!
CAREY
(LOOKING AROUND) What is going on here?
KURT
We were watching Monster Chiller Horror Theater which I was dead set against, but they outnumbered me. And now we’re heading off to bed.
CAREY
Dare I ask about their homework?
KURT
I wouldn’t.
CAREY
You realize that the last time Cody saw a horror movie I had to get rid of the monsters by scrubbing down his room with holy water.
CODY
It worked.
CAREY
Boys. Bed. Now.
THE BOYS RELUCTANTLY GO TO THEIR ROOM.
ZACK
It’s all your fault.
CODY
How is it my fault? You’re the one who turned on the TV.
KURT
I know you’re mad.
ZACK PEEPS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE DOOR, LISTENING. CAREY
No. I was mad when you sold our car to buy a new guitar. I was mad when you came back from the playground with the wrong twins.
KURT
It was an honest mistake.
CAREY
They where girls! Now I’m furious.
KURT
Look, I just wanted to hang out and have fun with the boys.
CAREY
Kurt, it’s great that you’re here hanging out with them, but every time you come, I’m the one who has to clean up your mess and I’m tired of looking like the bad guy.
KURT
Well, lucky for you, I’m out of here tomorrow. So tell the boy’s I’ll say goodbye to them in the morning.
KURT EXITS. CAREY SPOTS ZACK LOOKING OUT FROM HIS BEDROOM, THEN PICKS UP THE BASEBALL THEY WERE USING.
CAREY
Why are my panty hose rolled up in a ball?
ZACK WALKS OUT,
ZACK
Dad didn’t want to use a real ball ‘cause he didn’t want to hurt the furniture. See, he’s a lot more responsible than you think he is.
CAREY
I never said he was irresponsible. You’re the one who is irresponsible. You promised me you would have your work done before your father got here.
ZACK
Why do you always have to nag me about this stuff?!
CAREY
Because unless I nag you, you don’t do it!
ZACK
Well, Dad doesn’t nag me!
CAREY
And did you do it?! (OFF HIS LOOK) I didn’t think so, because you were too busy playing with my panty hose!
ZACK
You’re just jealous because Dad’s fun!
CAREY
Parenting isn’t always about being fun.
ZACK
Yeah. Especially the way you do it.
CAREY
I’m sorry you feel that way, but as long as you’re under my roof, you will follow my rules.
ZACK
Technically, it’s Moseby’s roof.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE FIVE
INT. TOUR BUS – NEXT DAY (DAY 3)
(ZACK, KURT, DERRICK, COTTIE, LYLE)
KURT AND HIS BAND MATES, DERRICK, LYLE, AND COOTIE, JAM AS THE BUS CAREENS DOWN A LONELY HIGHWAY.
COOTIE
Derrick, man, you don’t look so good.
DERRICK
I can’t help it. I get bus sick.
KURT
Good thing we’re touring America on a bus.
DERRICK
I’m trying to pretend I’m on a plane. (BEAT) Uh oh. I’m getting air sick.
DERRICK CROSSES TO THE BATHROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR.
DERRICK (CONT’D)
Cool. This bathroom’s got an attendant.
ZACK COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
DERRICK (CONT’D)
Thanks, mate. We need more paper towels.
ZACK
I’m not a bathroom attendant. (POINTS TO KURT) I’m his son.
KURT
Zack? What are you doing here?
ZACK
(TO KURT) I decided to take your offer to join you on the road.
DERRICK
Great! Will you still be working in the bathroom?
DERRICK GETS QUEASY AND RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM. OFF KURT’S STUNNED LOOK, WE:
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
INT. THE FAMILY SUITE – MOMENTS LATER (DAY 3)
(CODY, CAREY)
CAREY
Cody, have you seen your brother?
CODY
Nope, can’t say I have. Not for awhile now. In fact until you mentioned it, I forgot that I even had a brother. Zack? Right? Stop staring at me. Okay! Okay! I know where he is, I’ll tell you. Just stop with the eyes. It burns!
CAREY
If only Zack were this easy. Where is he?
CODY
He stowed away on Dad’s bus.
CAREY
No?
CODY
Yeah! And I ate the last cookie!
CAREY STARTS DIALING ON THE PHONE.
CAREY
I can’t believe that he would run away. Why would he do something like this?
CODY
I think he felt like you were dumping on him a lot.
CAREY
Why? Did he say something?
CODY
Yeah, he said that you were dumping on him a lot.
INTERCUT TO:
ACT TWO / SCENE ONE A
INT. TOUR BUS / THE FAMILY SUITE – SAME TIME (DAY 3)
(ZACK, CODY, CAREY, KURT, DERRICK, COOTIE, LYLE)
AS KURT PACES BACK AND FORTH.
KURT
Okay, first thing’s first. We gotta call your mom.
KURT’S CELL PHONE RINGS. HE CHECKS THE CALLER ID.
KURT (CONT’D)
It’s freaky how she does that.
KURT HANDS THE PHONE TO ZACK.
ZACK
She’s gonna be mad. You talk to her.
ZACK TOSSES THE PHONE BACK.
KURT
Fine, I’ll be the adult here. (ANSWERING PHONE) Look, first things first, I just want to say, I had nothing to do with this and I completely disapprove. (MOUTHING TO ZACK) Calmin’ her down.
CAREY
Tell me he’s okay and he doesn’t have any tattoos.
KURT
He’s okay, and it says, “Mom.” (LONG BEAT) Oh, come on, have a sense of humor.
CAREY
I married you, didn’t I?
KURT
There it is. So, do you want to come up here and get him?
ZACK
I don’t want to go home. I want to stay with you.
KURT
He says he really misses you.
CAREY
I heard. Thanks for trying.
KURT
What do you think I should do?
CAREY
Look, next week is spring break anyway. Why don’t you just keep him with you? If I make him come home now, he’ll resent me even more than ever.
ZACK
What’s she saying? Did she say I can stay?
KURT
Well, yeah, but - -
ZACK
Yay! (GRABS THE PHONE) Thanks, mom. Love you! Bye! Dad says bye too.
ZACK HANGS UP.
DERRICK
I didn’t get to talk to her.
ZACK
That’s because you don’t know her.
DERRICK
(HURT) And now I never will.
CAREY HANGS UP. CAREY SITS DOWN NEXT TO CODY.
CAREY
He wants to stay with your dad.
CODY
Don’t feel bad, Mom. You may not be the fun parent, but kids need a dull parent too. (OFF HER LOOK) Love your hair.
OFF CAREY’S LOOK, WE:
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
INT. TIPTON GYM – LATER (DAY 4)
(MADDIE, LONDON, EXTRAS)
OPEN ON A SINGLE SHOT OF LONDON COACHING MADDIE.
LONDON
That’s it. Do you feel it? Do you feel the burn?
REVEAL MADDIE, HANGING FROM A PILATES CADILLAC COMPLETELY CONTORTED.
MADDIE
I felt the burn an hour ago. Now it’s searing pain. I’m never going to get an A this way. I mean, just yesterday, Sister Mary Fredo said she could use my arms for chopsticks.
LONDON
Okay. Let me help.
LONDON TRIES TO GET HER DOWN BUT MADDIE FALLS TO THE FLOOR IN A HEAP.
MADDIE
Ow!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
INT. TOUR BUS – THE NEXT DAY (DAY 4)
(ZACK, KURT, DERRICK, COOTIE, LYLE)
THEY’RE ALL GATHERED AROUND PLAYING CARD. DERRICK BURPS. KURT BURPS. ZACK BURPS, PUTTING BOTH TO SHAME.
COOTIE
Whoa, he is your son. And he beat you by a landslide.
KURT
It’s a proud day when your son beats his father in a belching contest.
DERRICK
Can we get back to the game now, please?
ZACK
I’ll see your three animal crackers… and raise you a chocolate covered graham.
KURT
I fold.
ZACK
You know, I’m still hungry. What else do we have to eat?
KURT
What don’t we have? (OPENING FRIDGE) We got your cold pizza, cold burgers, cold tacos…
ZACK
What do we have that’s warm?
DERRICK
Ice cream.
ZACK
Cool! I’ll drink it! I loooove life on the road! Poker, belching contests, and no one nags me to take a shower.
COOTIE
Was that you? I thought something died in here.
ZACK
You know, Dad, this is even better than I thought. If my school bus was like this, I wouldn’t mind going to school.
KURT
You know, eventually you will have to go back. Because education is the most important thing.
THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND START LAUGHING, AS WE:
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR
INT. TIPTON GYM – MOMENTS LATER (DAY 4) (MADDIE, LONDON, EXTRAS)
MADDIE WALKS CASUALLY ON THE TREADMILL.
LONDON
Okay, this is for your endurance. For your upper body strength, I brought you these.
LONDON GRABS A COUPLE SHOPPING BAGS AND HANDS THEM TO MADDIE.
MADDIE
Shopping bags?
LONDON
You build up a lot of muscle carrying these around from store to store when your limo driver claims he “has a bad back” because he “hurt it” saving someone’s “life.”
MADDIE TAKES THE BAGS AND STRUGGLES UNDER THE WEIGHT AS SHE KEEPS WALKING.
MADDIE
I don’t blame him, these things are heavy.
LONDON
Now hold those bags up! Now, imagine you’re walking through the store, when Portia Tannenbaum’s about to grab the last pair of Sanacora sandals.
LONDON HOLDS UP A STICK WITH A PAIR OF SANDALS AND PRESSES THE BUTTON ON THE TREADMILL SPEEDING IT UP.
MADDIE
Ooo, those are gorgeous.
LONDON
Oh no, the shoes are running away! They’re faster than you!
MADDIE RUNS TO KEEP UP BUT CAN’T, AND SHE FLIES OFF THE BACK OUT OF FRAME.
LONDON (CONT’D)
Look’s like Portia got the sandals.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FIVE
INT. LOBBY – A COUPLE DAYS LATER (DAY 5)
(CODY, CAREY, MOSEBY, EXTRAS)
CAREY EXITS THE ELEVATOR AS MOSEBY CROSSES TO HER.
MOSEBY
Have you heard from Zack?
CAREY
I sent him a five page e-mail asking him how he’s doing, if he’s having fun, telling him I miss him… here’s his reply.
SHE HANDS THE PAPER TO MOSEBY.
MOSEBY
(READING) “Back at ya.”
CAREY
(WEEPY) Back at me…
CAREY CRIES ON MOSEBY’S SHOULDER. CODY ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE.
MOSEBY
Oh, look, there’s young Cody. You don’t want him to see you upset… and staining my suit.
CAREY
No. You’re right. I’ve gotta perk up. I’ll show him what a fun mom I can be.
MOSEBY
Good luck with that.
CAREY CROSSES TO CODY.
CAREY
Hey Cody. I got a great idea. Let’s go to the park.
CODY
I have homework.
CAREY
Forget homework. Let’s have some fun. I hope you brought your sweet tooth, ‘cause I’m thinking ice cream for dinner.
CODY
That sounds great. Just one question. Who are you and what have you done with my mother?
CAREY
Ooo, you are such a kidder.
CODY
No, I’m serious.
CAREY
Go, go! Hup-hup!
AS SHE DRAGS CODY OUTSIDE, WE:
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE SIX
INT. TOUR BUS – LATER THAT NIGHT (NIGHT 5)
(ZACK, KURT, DERRICK, COOTIE, LYLE)
KURT ENTERS WITH THE BAND.
DERRICK
That was awesome! Whoo!
KURT
Keep it down, man. Zack’s back there sleeping.
DERRICK
(WHISPERING) That was awesome. Whoo.
ZACK WALKS OUT.
ZACK
I’m not asleep. I was waiting for you, Dad. I thought we’d do something after the show. So, what do you want to do?
KURT
You know, it might be a good time to do that homework thing that your mom faxed you.
ZACK
Now? But I’ve been waiting around.
KURT
Well, you could have done it then. But you didn’t. So I guess then is now.
COOTIE
Wow! I finally understand quantum physics.
ZACK
Fine, I’ll do it. But I might need a little help on a couple things.
KURT
Like what?
ZACK
English, math, science, geography, and Spanish.
KURT
Okay. (LOOKING AROUND) I think we’re in Ohio… Senor.
ZACK
Dad.
KURT
Aren’t you suppose to do this on your own? You know, build character. Strong bones?
ZACK
That’s milk, Dad. Mom always helps me with my homework.
KURT
Okay. Tell you what, if you get stuck, you ask me.
ZACK
Fine, I’ll do it myself. I mean, how hard can it be to figure out the volume of helium in a tank seventeen cubic feet by… oh. Hey, Dad?
ANGLE ON KURT, WHO IS SNORING SOUNDLY. ZACK SIGHS.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE SEVEN
INT. TIPTON GYM – NEXT DAY (DAY 6) (MADDIE, LONDON, EXTRAS)
MADDIE STANDS IN FRONT OF A CLOTHES RACK
MADDIE
This is an exercise machine?
LONDON PUSHES THE CLOTHES BACK AND FORTH.
LONDON
It’s very good for the triceps and biceps.
MADDIE
You’re kidding.
LONDON
Just do it.
MADDIE TRIES AND CAN BARELY MOVE THE CLOTHS.
MADDIE
Clearly I have no ceps at all.
BEGIN MONTAGE. WE HERE “ROCKY” TYPE MUSIC.
MADDIE SITS BENCH PRESSING A BAR WITH TWO SHOPPING BAGS ON EACH SIDE. SHE MANAGES TO STRAIGHTEN HER ARMS. LONDON TAKES OFF HER WATCH AND DROPS IT IN ONE OF THE BAGS, SENDING MADDIE OFF THE BENCH TO THE SIDE.
MADDIE IS BACK AT THE RACK OF CLOTHES, NOW ABLE TO PUSH MORE CLOTHES A BIT EASIER, BUT STILL STRUGGLING.
MADDIE IS ON THE TREADMILL RUNNING, HOLDING A FEW SHOPPING BAGS. LONDON HOLDS A JEWELED PURSE IN FRONT OF MADDIE. MADDIE RUNS FASTER, MORE DETERMINED.
MADDIE DOES PUSH UPS WEARING A HEAVY FUR COAT. LONDON ADDS ANOTHER. THEN ANOTHER.
MADDIE IS AT THE CLOTHES RACK, EASILY PUSHING THE CLOTHES FROM SIDE TO SIDE.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE EIGHT
INT. LOBBY – NEXT DAY (DAY 7) (CODY, CAREY, MOSEBY, EXTRAS)
CODY RUNS OVER TO MOSEBY, WHO STANDS BEHIND THE DESK.
CODY
Have you seen my mom?
MOSEBY
No.
CODY
Good. I’ve had it up to here with her fun. It’s been non stop movies, and junk food. She put a trampoline in the living room! (GRABS MOSEBY BY LAPELS) I can’t take it anymore.
CAREY ENTERS RIDING ON ROLLER SKATES, WEARING KNEE AND ELBOW PADS, AND A SAFTY HELMET. SHE HOLDS CODY’S BLADES AND HELMET. CODY SEES HER AND JUMPS BEHIND THE FRONT DESK.
CODY (CONT’D)
There she is. I was never here.
CODY CLIMBS OVER THE FRONT DESK TO HIDE.
MOSEBY
Oh, not over the- -
CAREY
Mr. Moseby, have you seen Cody?
MOSEBY
Am I twitching?
CAREY
Well, when you see him, tell him to meet me at the park and have him bring his mitt, knee pads, and a snorkel.
CAREY SKATES OFF. MOSEBY LOOKS DOWN.
CODY
I don’t even want to know what she had in mind.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE NINE
INT. TOUR BUS – NOON (DAY 7) (ZACK, KURT, DERRICK)
THE BUS IS IN DISARRAY. DERRICK SLEEPS, CLUTCHING A CHICKEN. KURT SLEEPS ON THE COUCH WITH A PILLOW AND BLANKET. ZACK WALKS OUT FROM THE BATHROOM AND LOOKS AROUND.
ZACK
Dad, wake up.
KURT WAKES UP GROGGILY.
KURT
Is it time for the next show?
ZACK
No, it’s noon. I’m bored. I have no one to play with.
KURT
What’s Derrick doing?
ZACK
Hugging a chicken. Let’s go outside and play some catch.
KURT
We can’t. We’re going sixty miles an hour.
ZACK
Dad, what’s going on? You used to be so much fun.
KURT
That’s ‘cause when I would visit you guys I was on vacation. Now I’m working.
ZACK
You were sleeping.
KURT
Because my job involves me staying up all night to play music and sleeping all day so I can stay up all night to play more music.
ZACK
Then why did you ask me to come?
KURT
I never thought your mother would say yes!
ZACK
Oh.
KURT
Hey, Zack. Zacko. Look, I didn’t mean in a bad way. It’s just hard to be the fun parent and work the same time.
ZACK
Now you sound like mom. But unlike her, you can’t help me with my homework, you’re never awake when I’m awake, and Mom makes sure that I’m in the car before she drives off.
KURT
We popped a Uey and came right back.
ZACK
Dad, take a seat. Look, when this started out, it was great. We had a lot of laughs, a lot of fun… But I just can’t live this way anymore. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m going home to mother.
KURT
Wow. That’s exactly what your mom said when she left me. And a few other things that I can’t mention.
ZACK
Are you gonna be okay, Dad?
KURT
Yeah, but it’s not me that I’m worried about.
ZACK
Don’t worry, I’ll break it to Derrick.
DERRICK SLEEPS WITH HIS CHICKEN.
DERRICK
Hello…
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE TEN
INT. THE FAMILY SUITE – NEXT DAY (DAY Cool (ZACK, CODY, CAREY, KURT)
CAREY SITS ON THE COUCH WITH AN ICE PACK ON HER KNEE. CODY BRINGS HER ANOTHER ONE FOR HER HEAD.
CAREY
(GROANING) Ughhhh.
CODY PUTS THE ICE PACK ON HER HEAD.
CAREY (CONT’D)
(RELIEVED) Ahhhh.
CODY
This is why they make you sign a release form before you bungee jump.
ZACK ENTERS FOLLOWED BY KURT.
ZACK
Mom!
CAREY
Zack!
KURT
Codster!
CODY
Dadster!
ZACK HUGS CAREY. CODY HUGS KURT.
CAREY
What are you doing back so soon?
ZACK
What are you doing with ice bags on your head?
CAREY
I was having too much fun.
ZACK
Yeah, right.
CODY
No, really. She decided to become the fun parent.
KURT
Not as easy as it seems, is it?
CAREY
No.
KURT
Well, your job isn’t a walk in the park either. It’s not easy being the responsible parent. (TO CAREY) You’ve done a great job with them.
CAREY
Thanks. But, it’s nice to have help. So come back soon.
KURT
I will.
KURT CROSSES TO THE BOYS TO GIVE THEM A HUG AND KISS.
KURT (CONT’D)
Boys, I’ll be back in a couple of months. Remember, do your homework, brush your teeth, and do everything your mom tells you.
ZACK, CODY, AND KURT LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND LAUGH.
CAREY
Thanks for trying.
KURT
Hey, by the way, you’re looking hot.
CAREY
Thanks for trying.
CAREY PUSHES KURT OUT WITH A SMILE. SHE HUGS THE BOYS, WE:
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
INT. SCHOOL GYM – LATER (DAY Cool (MADDIE, EXTRA)
MADDIE STANDS NEXT TO SISTER MARY FREDO.
MADDIE
The only thing standing between me and an A is this rope. I’m going to ring that bell, Sister!
WE FOLLOW MADDIE AS SHE CLIMBS THE ROPE.
MADDIE (CONT’D)
(CHANTING TO HERSELF) Get the sandals, get the sweater, gonna make myself look better. Gonna make it… I made it!
MADDIE RING THE BELL AND RAISES HER ARMS IN VICTORY.
MADDIE (CONT’D)
(REALIZING SHE’S LET GO) That can’t be good.
SHE FALLS OUT OF FRAME AND LANDS WITH A THUMP.
FADE OUT:
END OF SHOW
SuiteLifeFans.com :: TSL INFO :: SEASON ONE :: S01E19 :: S01E19 SCRIPT S01E19 Dad's Back
Script
COLD OPENING
FADE IN:
INT. LOBBY – DAY (DAY 1)
(ZACK, CODY, CARY, MOSEBY, MADDIE, KURT, EXTRAS)
CAREY CROSSES TO MADDIE AND MOSEBY AT THE CANDY COUNTER. DURING THIS CONVERSATION, CAREY UNCONSCIOUSLY STARTS EATING SOMETHING FROM A BOWL ON THE COUNTER.
CAREY
I am so ticked of at the boys. Their father’s coming and they were supposed to be home at five.
MADDIE
Oh, I guess you’re a little nervous about seeing your ex.
CAREY
Why do you say that?
MADDIE
Because you just ate my decorative soaps.
FROM THE UPSTAGE LEFT DOORWAY, ZACK AND CODY COME IN “SKATEBOARDING” ACROSS THE UPSTAGE ON A LUGGAGE CART.
CODY
Stoke! Stroke! Stroke!
CAREY
Oh, no, no!
THE CART ZOOMS ACROSS THE LOBBY AND EXITS INTO THE OPPOSITE HALLWAY. WE HEAR A CRASH. MOSEBY AND CAREY CROSS OVER.
MOSEBY
It’s a good thing their father is coming. The boys need a firm parental hand.
JUST THEN, KURT, THE BOYS’ FATHER, COMES “SKATEBOARDING” IN ON A LUGGAGE CART COMING FROM THE SAME PLACE THE BOYS DID.
KURT
Stroke! Stoke! Whoa, coming through!
MOSEBY JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY, LANDING ON THE FLOOR. KURT TUMBLES OUT OF THE CART.
CAREY
Mr. Moseby, I’d like you to meet my ex-husband, Kurt.
MOSEBY
I see that the apples don’t fall far from the tree.
KURT HELPS AN ANNOYED MOSEBY OFF THE FLOOR.
KURT
Sorry, man.
MOSEBY
It’s Mr. Moseby.
KURT
Sorry, Mr. Moseby man.
ZACK AND CODY LAUGH. CAREY SHOOTS THEM A LOOK AND THEY STOP.
ZACK
This is our dad.
MOSEBY
No kidding.
CODY
Hey, mom. Dad’s taking us to his concert tonight.
MOSEBY
Goody. How are you getting there, taxi or luggage cart?
CAREY
Not so fast. You guys promised me you’d do your homework before your dad got here.
CODY
I already did mine.
ZACK
You sicken me. (TO CAREY) Come on, mom. It’s almost spring break and we haven’t seen dad in six months.
KURT
Zack, your mom is absolutely right.
CAREY
Thanks.
KURT
You’re going to do your homework… in a limo!
ZACK
A limo? Cool!
CODY
Bye, mom.
THE BOYS GRAB THEIR BACKPACKS AND RUSH FOR THE DOOR.
CAREY
(CALLING AFTER THEM) No, wait, not too late! And don’t forget to spell check… Ah, who am I kidding, they’re not doing any homework.
FADE OUT:
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT. LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)
(MADDIE, LONDON, EXTRAS)
LONDON CROSSES TO MADDIE.
LONDON
Hey Maddie, how are you?
MADDIE
Well, my straight A grade point average is being threatened just because Sister Mary Fredo is failing me in P.E. Now I’m not going to get into a good college just because I can’t do a sit up, run, or climb a stupid rope.
LONDON
Don’t you know the answer to “How are you?” is “Fine. What can I do for you, London?”
MADDIE
Fine. What can I do for you, London?
LONDON
Get me one of my magazine please.
MADDIE BENDS OVER, STRUGGLING TO PICK UP A STACK OF MAGAZINES.
LONDON (CONT’D)
Wow, you are weak. Here, let me do it.
LONDON EASILY PICKS UP THE STAKE OF MAGAZINES.
MADDIE
How did you get so strong?
LONDON
I work out. I’ve been trained by some of the top professionals. I’d make my own video, but why should anyone else look this good?
MADDIE
I need a really good grade in gym. Can you help me get an A? Boy, I never thought I’d say that.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. TIPTON GYM – NEXT DAY (DAY 2) (MADDIE, LONDON, EXTRAS)
MADDIE WALKS IN. LONDON IS THERE TRICKED OUT IN FASHIONABLE WORKOUT ATTIRE. MADDIE WEARS AN OVERSIZED T-SHIRT AND SWEATS.
LONDON
Okay, first thing’s first. That outfit, horrible.
MADDIE
Can we go to number tow?
LONDON
Okay, your hair - -
MADDIE
Three!
LONDON
Fine. Show me how many push ups you can do.
MADDIE GETS ON THE GROUND FACE DOWN. SHE CAN’T DO ONE.
LONDON (CONT’D)
Okay, that was the push. Later well work on the up.
MADDIE
Can we go back to my hair?
LONDON
Yes, it’s as weak and brittle as you. Okay, maybe we should start on the lat machine.
LONDON TAKES MADDIE OVER TO THE LAT PULL DOWN MACHINE.
MADDIE
I’d rather start on the cappuccino machine.
LONDON POSITIONS THE BAR BEHIND MADDIE’S HEAD. MADDIE GRASPS IT.
LONDON
Suck it up, bones. All you have to do is hold this bar and pull it down behind your back. Like this. Now you try.
LONDON RELEASES THE BAR AND MADDIE PULLED UP OUT OF HER SEAT.
MADDIE
I like this one.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE THREE
INT. THE FAMILY SUITE – NIGHT (NIGHT 2) (ZACK, CODY, KURT)
THE PLACE IS A WRECK. KURT, CODY, AND ZACK HAVE THE FURNITURE PUSHED BACK AND HAVE SET UP A BASEBALL DIAMOND. KURT IS PITCHING A ROLLED UP SOCK BALL TO CODY, WHO USES A COUCH CUSHION AS A BAT. ZACK IS IN THE “OUTFIELD”.
KURT
Bottom of the ninth. Two outs. Full count. Bases loaded.
ZACK
Hey batta batta batta!
KURT THROWS THE BALL, CODY HITS IT. ZACK FIELDS THE BALL AS CODY RUNS TO “FIRST BASE.” ZACK RUSHES TO TAG CODY OUT, IT’S A CLOSE PLAY.
ZACK (CONT’D)
You’re out!
CODY
I am not. I got to the lamp way before you did.
ZACK
The throw pillow is first base.
CODY
Since when?
ZACK
Since we cracked the light bulb.
KURT
Be sure to tell your mom I’m gonna pay for that.
DAD PICKS THE BOYS UP.
CODY
You are going down, mister!
ZACK
You know, this is great, Dad.
CODY
Yeah, we’ve really missed you.
KURT
I missed you too. You know, I’d love to have you guys on the road with me. It would be so much fun.
ZACK
Yeah, we could do all this, but be on a tricked bus.
CODY
Sounds fun, but I get woozy reading in a moving vehicle.
ZACK
Cody, you put the “Z’s” in parties.
KURT
Alright, guys. Enough fooling around. It’s time to do your homework, ‘cause it’s (CHECKS HIS WATCH) midnight.
ZACK/CODY/KURT
Oops.
KURT
So, I’ll just tell your mom how important it is for boys to bond with their father. If that doesn’t work, I’ll break down crying.
ZACK
Works for us.
KURT
Right now, it’s time for bed. But first brush your teeth… and floss.
THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND LAUGH. ZACK PICKS UP THE REMOTE TO TURN OFF THE TV AND NOTICES…
ZACK
Hey, Monster Chiller Horror Theater is on.
CODY
They’re showing “The Thing That Ate Everything.”
KURT
Ooo, that’s a good one. Okay, just the beginning.
THEY SITE ON THE COUCH AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR
INT. THE FAMILY SUITE – LATER (NIGHT 2) (ZACK, CODY, CAREY, KURT)
WE PAN DOWN TO SEE KURT IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. ZACK IS ASLEEP ON HIS CHEST. CODY IS STARING AT THE TV THROUGH HIS BLANKIE, HORRIFIED.
CODY
(TO THE TV) Don’t open the closet… Don’t open the closet.
CAREY OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ENTERS FROM WORK.
CODY (CONT’D)
Ahhhh!
CAREY
Ahhhh!
ZACK AND KURT WAKE UP AND SCREAM.
KURT/ZACK
Ahhhh!
CAREY
(LOOKING AROUND) What is going on here?
KURT
We were watching Monster Chiller Horror Theater which I was dead set against, but they outnumbered me. And now we’re heading off to bed.
CAREY
Dare I ask about their homework?
KURT
I wouldn’t.
CAREY
You realize that the last time Cody saw a horror movie I had to get rid of the monsters by scrubbing down his room with holy water.
CODY
It worked.
CAREY
Boys. Bed. Now.
THE BOYS RELUCTANTLY GO TO THEIR ROOM.
ZACK
It’s all your fault.
CODY
How is it my fault? You’re the one who turned on the TV.
KURT
I know you’re mad.
ZACK PEEPS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE DOOR, LISTENING. CAREY
No. I was mad when you sold our car to buy a new guitar. I was mad when you came back from the playground with the wrong twins.
KURT
It was an honest mistake.
CAREY
They where girls! Now I’m furious.
KURT
Look, I just wanted to hang out and have fun with the boys.
CAREY
Kurt, it’s great that you’re here hanging out with them, but every time you come, I’m the one who has to clean up your mess and I’m tired of looking like the bad guy.
KURT
Well, lucky for you, I’m out of here tomorrow. So tell the boy’s I’ll say goodbye to them in the morning.
KURT EXITS. CAREY SPOTS ZACK LOOKING OUT FROM HIS BEDROOM, THEN PICKS UP THE BASEBALL THEY WERE USING.
CAREY
Why are my panty hose rolled up in a ball?
ZACK WALKS OUT,
ZACK
Dad didn’t want to use a real ball ‘cause he didn’t want to hurt the furniture. See, he’s a lot more responsible than you think he is.
CAREY
I never said he was irresponsible. You’re the one who is irresponsible. You promised me you would have your work done before your father got here.
ZACK
Why do you always have to nag me about this stuff?!
CAREY
Because unless I nag you, you don’t do it!
ZACK
Well, Dad doesn’t nag me!
CAREY
And did you do it?! (OFF HIS LOOK) I didn’t think so, because you were too busy playing with my panty hose!
ZACK
You’re just jealous because Dad’s fun!
CAREY
Parenting isn’t always about being fun.
ZACK
Yeah. Especially the way you do it.
CAREY
I’m sorry you feel that way, but as long as you’re under my roof, you will follow my rules.
ZACK
Technically, it’s Moseby’s roof.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE FIVE
INT. TOUR BUS – NEXT DAY (DAY 3)
(ZACK, KURT, DERRICK, COTTIE, LYLE)
KURT AND HIS BAND MATES, DERRICK, LYLE, AND COOTIE, JAM AS THE BUS CAREENS DOWN A LONELY HIGHWAY.
COOTIE
Derrick, man, you don’t look so good.
DERRICK
I can’t help it. I get bus sick.
KURT
Good thing we’re touring America on a bus.
DERRICK
I’m trying to pretend I’m on a plane. (BEAT) Uh oh. I’m getting air sick.
DERRICK CROSSES TO THE BATHROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR.
DERRICK (CONT’D)
Cool. This bathroom’s got an attendant.
ZACK COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
DERRICK (CONT’D)
Thanks, mate. We need more paper towels.
ZACK
I’m not a bathroom attendant. (POINTS TO KURT) I’m his son.
KURT
Zack? What are you doing here?
ZACK
(TO KURT) I decided to take your offer to join you on the road.
DERRICK
Great! Will you still be working in the bathroom?
DERRICK GETS QUEASY AND RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM. OFF KURT’S STUNNED LOOK, WE:
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
INT. THE FAMILY SUITE – MOMENTS LATER (DAY 3)
(CODY, CAREY)
CAREY
Cody, have you seen your brother?
CODY
Nope, can’t say I have. Not for awhile now. In fact until you mentioned it, I forgot that I even had a brother. Zack? Right? Stop staring at me. Okay! Okay! I know where he is, I’ll tell you. Just stop with the eyes. It burns!
CAREY
If only Zack were this easy. Where is he?
CODY
He stowed away on Dad’s bus.
CAREY
No?
CODY
Yeah! And I ate the last cookie!
CAREY STARTS DIALING ON THE PHONE.
CAREY
I can’t believe that he would run away. Why would he do something like this?
CODY
I think he felt like you were dumping on him a lot.
CAREY
Why? Did he say something?
CODY
Yeah, he said that you were dumping on him a lot.
INTERCUT TO:
ACT TWO / SCENE ONE A
INT. TOUR BUS / THE FAMILY SUITE – SAME TIME (DAY 3)
(ZACK, CODY, CAREY, KURT, DERRICK, COOTIE, LYLE)
AS KURT PACES BACK AND FORTH.
KURT
Okay, first thing’s first. We gotta call your mom.
KURT’S CELL PHONE RINGS. HE CHECKS THE CALLER ID.
KURT (CONT’D)
It’s freaky how she does that.
KURT HANDS THE PHONE TO ZACK.
ZACK
She’s gonna be mad. You talk to her.
ZACK TOSSES THE PHONE BACK.
KURT
Fine, I’ll be the adult here. (ANSWERING PHONE) Look, first things first, I just want to say, I had nothing to do with this and I completely disapprove. (MOUTHING TO ZACK) Calmin’ her down.
CAREY
Tell me he’s okay and he doesn’t have any tattoos.
KURT
He’s okay, and it says, “Mom.” (LONG BEAT) Oh, come on, have a sense of humor.
CAREY
I married you, didn’t I?
KURT
There it is. So, do you want to come up here and get him?
ZACK
I don’t want to go home. I want to stay with you.
KURT
He says he really misses you.
CAREY
I heard. Thanks for trying.
KURT
What do you think I should do?
CAREY
Look, next week is spring break anyway. Why don’t you just keep him with you? If I make him come home now, he’ll resent me even more than ever.
ZACK
What’s she saying? Did she say I can stay?
KURT
Well, yeah, but - -
ZACK
Yay! (GRABS THE PHONE) Thanks, mom. Love you! Bye! Dad says bye too.
ZACK HANGS UP.
DERRICK
I didn’t get to talk to her.
ZACK
That’s because you don’t know her.
DERRICK
(HURT) And now I never will.
CAREY HANGS UP. CAREY SITS DOWN NEXT TO CODY.
CAREY
He wants to stay with your dad.
CODY
Don’t feel bad, Mom. You may not be the fun parent, but kids need a dull parent too. (OFF HER LOOK) Love your hair.
OFF CAREY’S LOOK, WE:
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
INT. TIPTON GYM – LATER (DAY 4)
(MADDIE, LONDON, EXTRAS)
OPEN ON A SINGLE SHOT OF LONDON COACHING MADDIE.
LONDON
That’s it. Do you feel it? Do you feel the burn?
REVEAL MADDIE, HANGING FROM A PILATES CADILLAC COMPLETELY CONTORTED.
MADDIE
I felt the burn an hour ago. Now it’s searing pain. I’m never going to get an A this way. I mean, just yesterday, Sister Mary Fredo said she could use my arms for chopsticks.
LONDON
Okay. Let me help.
LONDON TRIES TO GET HER DOWN BUT MADDIE FALLS TO THE FLOOR IN A HEAP.
MADDIE
Ow!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
INT. TOUR BUS – THE NEXT DAY (DAY 4)
(ZACK, KURT, DERRICK, COOTIE, LYLE)
THEY’RE ALL GATHERED AROUND PLAYING CARD. DERRICK BURPS. KURT BURPS. ZACK BURPS, PUTTING BOTH TO SHAME.
COOTIE
Whoa, he is your son. And he beat you by a landslide.
KURT
It’s a proud day when your son beats his father in a belching contest.
DERRICK
Can we get back to the game now, please?
ZACK
I’ll see your three animal crackers… and raise you a chocolate covered graham.
KURT
I fold.
ZACK
You know, I’m still hungry. What else do we have to eat?
KURT
What don’t we have? (OPENING FRIDGE) We got your cold pizza, cold burgers, cold tacos…
ZACK
What do we have that’s warm?
DERRICK
Ice cream.
ZACK
Cool! I’ll drink it! I loooove life on the road! Poker, belching contests, and no one nags me to take a shower.
COOTIE
Was that you? I thought something died in here.
ZACK
You know, Dad, this is even better than I thought. If my school bus was like this, I wouldn’t mind going to school.
KURT
You know, eventually you will have to go back. Because education is the most important thing.
THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND START LAUGHING, AS WE:
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR
INT. TIPTON GYM – MOMENTS LATER (DAY 4) (MADDIE, LONDON, EXTRAS)
MADDIE WALKS CASUALLY ON THE TREADMILL.
LONDON
Okay, this is for your endurance. For your upper body strength, I brought you these.
LONDON GRABS A COUPLE SHOPPING BAGS AND HANDS THEM TO MADDIE.
MADDIE
Shopping bags?
LONDON
You build up a lot of muscle carrying these around from store to store when your limo driver claims he “has a bad back” because he “hurt it” saving someone’s “life.”
MADDIE TAKES THE BAGS AND STRUGGLES UNDER THE WEIGHT AS SHE KEEPS WALKING.
MADDIE
I don’t blame him, these things are heavy.
LONDON
Now hold those bags up! Now, imagine you’re walking through the store, when Portia Tannenbaum’s about to grab the last pair of Sanacora sandals.
LONDON HOLDS UP A STICK WITH A PAIR OF SANDALS AND PRESSES THE BUTTON ON THE TREADMILL SPEEDING IT UP.
MADDIE
Ooo, those are gorgeous.
LONDON
Oh no, the shoes are running away! They’re faster than you!
MADDIE RUNS TO KEEP UP BUT CAN’T, AND SHE FLIES OFF THE BACK OUT OF FRAME.
LONDON (CONT’D)
Look’s like Portia got the sandals.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FIVE
INT. LOBBY – A COUPLE DAYS LATER (DAY 5)
(CODY, CAREY, MOSEBY, EXTRAS)
CAREY EXITS THE ELEVATOR AS MOSEBY CROSSES TO HER.
MOSEBY
Have you heard from Zack?
CAREY
I sent him a five page e-mail asking him how he’s doing, if he’s having fun, telling him I miss him… here’s his reply.
SHE HANDS THE PAPER TO MOSEBY.
MOSEBY
(READING) “Back at ya.”
CAREY
(WEEPY) Back at me…
CAREY CRIES ON MOSEBY’S SHOULDER. CODY ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE.
MOSEBY
Oh, look, there’s young Cody. You don’t want him to see you upset… and staining my suit.
CAREY
No. You’re right. I’ve gotta perk up. I’ll show him what a fun mom I can be.
MOSEBY
Good luck with that.
CAREY CROSSES TO CODY.
CAREY
Hey Cody. I got a great idea. Let’s go to the park.
CODY
I have homework.
CAREY
Forget homework. Let’s have some fun. I hope you brought your sweet tooth, ‘cause I’m thinking ice cream for dinner.
CODY
That sounds great. Just one question. Who are you and what have you done with my mother?
CAREY
Ooo, you are such a kidder.
CODY
No, I’m serious.
CAREY
Go, go! Hup-hup!
AS SHE DRAGS CODY OUTSIDE, WE:
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE SIX
INT. TOUR BUS – LATER THAT NIGHT (NIGHT 5)
(ZACK, KURT, DERRICK, COOTIE, LYLE)
KURT ENTERS WITH THE BAND.
DERRICK
That was awesome! Whoo!
KURT
Keep it down, man. Zack’s back there sleeping.
DERRICK
(WHISPERING) That was awesome. Whoo.
ZACK WALKS OUT.
ZACK
I’m not asleep. I was waiting for you, Dad. I thought we’d do something after the show. So, what do you want to do?
KURT
You know, it might be a good time to do that homework thing that your mom faxed you.
ZACK
Now? But I’ve been waiting around.
KURT
Well, you could have done it then. But you didn’t. So I guess then is now.
COOTIE
Wow! I finally understand quantum physics.
ZACK
Fine, I’ll do it. But I might need a little help on a couple things.
KURT
Like what?
ZACK
English, math, science, geography, and Spanish.
KURT
Okay. (LOOKING AROUND) I think we’re in Ohio… Senor.
ZACK
Dad.
KURT
Aren’t you suppose to do this on your own? You know, build character. Strong bones?
ZACK
That’s milk, Dad. Mom always helps me with my homework.
KURT
Okay. Tell you what, if you get stuck, you ask me.
ZACK
Fine, I’ll do it myself. I mean, how hard can it be to figure out the volume of helium in a tank seventeen cubic feet by… oh. Hey, Dad?
ANGLE ON KURT, WHO IS SNORING SOUNDLY. ZACK SIGHS.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE SEVEN
INT. TIPTON GYM – NEXT DAY (DAY 6) (MADDIE, LONDON, EXTRAS)
MADDIE STANDS IN FRONT OF A CLOTHES RACK
MADDIE
This is an exercise machine?
LONDON PUSHES THE CLOTHES BACK AND FORTH.
LONDON
It’s very good for the triceps and biceps.
MADDIE
You’re kidding.
LONDON
Just do it.
MADDIE TRIES AND CAN BARELY MOVE THE CLOTHS.
MADDIE
Clearly I have no ceps at all.
BEGIN MONTAGE. WE HERE “ROCKY” TYPE MUSIC.
MADDIE SITS BENCH PRESSING A BAR WITH TWO SHOPPING BAGS ON EACH SIDE. SHE MANAGES TO STRAIGHTEN HER ARMS. LONDON TAKES OFF HER WATCH AND DROPS IT IN ONE OF THE BAGS, SENDING MADDIE OFF THE BENCH TO THE SIDE.
MADDIE IS BACK AT THE RACK OF CLOTHES, NOW ABLE TO PUSH MORE CLOTHES A BIT EASIER, BUT STILL STRUGGLING.
MADDIE IS ON THE TREADMILL RUNNING, HOLDING A FEW SHOPPING BAGS. LONDON HOLDS A JEWELED PURSE IN FRONT OF MADDIE. MADDIE RUNS FASTER, MORE DETERMINED.
MADDIE DOES PUSH UPS WEARING A HEAVY FUR COAT. LONDON ADDS ANOTHER. THEN ANOTHER.
MADDIE IS AT THE CLOTHES RACK, EASILY PUSHING THE CLOTHES FROM SIDE TO SIDE.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE EIGHT
INT. LOBBY – NEXT DAY (DAY 7) (CODY, CAREY, MOSEBY, EXTRAS)
CODY RUNS OVER TO MOSEBY, WHO STANDS BEHIND THE DESK.
CODY
Have you seen my mom?
MOSEBY
No.
CODY
Good. I’ve had it up to here with her fun. It’s been non stop movies, and junk food. She put a trampoline in the living room! (GRABS MOSEBY BY LAPELS) I can’t take it anymore.
CAREY ENTERS RIDING ON ROLLER SKATES, WEARING KNEE AND ELBOW PADS, AND A SAFTY HELMET. SHE HOLDS CODY’S BLADES AND HELMET. CODY SEES HER AND JUMPS BEHIND THE FRONT DESK.
CODY (CONT’D)
There she is. I was never here.
CODY CLIMBS OVER THE FRONT DESK TO HIDE.
MOSEBY
Oh, not over the- -
CAREY
Mr. Moseby, have you seen Cody?
MOSEBY
Am I twitching?
CAREY
Well, when you see him, tell him to meet me at the park and have him bring his mitt, knee pads, and a snorkel.
CAREY SKATES OFF. MOSEBY LOOKS DOWN.
CODY
I don’t even want to know what she had in mind.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE NINE
INT. TOUR BUS – NOON (DAY 7) (ZACK, KURT, DERRICK)
THE BUS IS IN DISARRAY. DERRICK SLEEPS, CLUTCHING A CHICKEN. KURT SLEEPS ON THE COUCH WITH A PILLOW AND BLANKET. ZACK WALKS OUT FROM THE BATHROOM AND LOOKS AROUND.
ZACK
Dad, wake up.
KURT WAKES UP GROGGILY.
KURT
Is it time for the next show?
ZACK
No, it’s noon. I’m bored. I have no one to play with.
KURT
What’s Derrick doing?
ZACK
Hugging a chicken. Let’s go outside and play some catch.
KURT
We can’t. We’re going sixty miles an hour.
ZACK
Dad, what’s going on? You used to be so much fun.
KURT
That’s ‘cause when I would visit you guys I was on vacation. Now I’m working.
ZACK
You were sleeping.
KURT
Because my job involves me staying up all night to play music and sleeping all day so I can stay up all night to play more music.
ZACK
Then why did you ask me to come?
KURT
I never thought your mother would say yes!
ZACK
Oh.
KURT
Hey, Zack. Zacko. Look, I didn’t mean in a bad way. It’s just hard to be the fun parent and work the same time.
ZACK
Now you sound like mom. But unlike her, you can’t help me with my homework, you’re never awake when I’m awake, and Mom makes sure that I’m in the car before she drives off.
KURT
We popped a Uey and came right back.
ZACK
Dad, take a seat. Look, when this started out, it was great. We had a lot of laughs, a lot of fun… But I just can’t live this way anymore. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m going home to mother.
KURT
Wow. That’s exactly what your mom said when she left me. And a few other things that I can’t mention.
ZACK
Are you gonna be okay, Dad?
KURT
Yeah, but it’s not me that I’m worried about.
ZACK
Don’t worry, I’ll break it to Derrick.
DERRICK SLEEPS WITH HIS CHICKEN.
DERRICK
Hello…
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE TEN
INT. THE FAMILY SUITE – NEXT DAY (DAY Cool (ZACK, CODY, CAREY, KURT)
CAREY SITS ON THE COUCH WITH AN ICE PACK ON HER KNEE. CODY BRINGS HER ANOTHER ONE FOR HER HEAD.
CAREY
(GROANING) Ughhhh.
CODY PUTS THE ICE PACK ON HER HEAD.
CAREY (CONT’D)
(RELIEVED) Ahhhh.
CODY
This is why they make you sign a release form before you bungee jump.
ZACK ENTERS FOLLOWED BY KURT.
ZACK
Mom!
CAREY
Zack!
KURT
Codster!
CODY
Dadster!
ZACK HUGS CAREY. CODY HUGS KURT.
CAREY
What are you doing back so soon?
ZACK
What are you doing with ice bags on your head?
CAREY
I was having too much fun.
ZACK
Yeah, right.
CODY
No, really. She decided to become the fun parent.
KURT
Not as easy as it seems, is it?
CAREY
No.
KURT
Well, your job isn’t a walk in the park either. It’s not easy being the responsible parent. (TO CAREY) You’ve done a great job with them.
CAREY
Thanks. But, it’s nice to have help. So come back soon.
KURT
I will.
KURT CROSSES TO THE BOYS TO GIVE THEM A HUG AND KISS.
KURT (CONT’D)
Boys, I’ll be back in a couple of months. Remember, do your homework, brush your teeth, and do everything your mom tells you.
ZACK, CODY, AND KURT LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND LAUGH.
CAREY
Thanks for trying.
KURT
Hey, by the way, you’re looking hot.
CAREY
Thanks for trying.
CAREY PUSHES KURT OUT WITH A SMILE. SHE HUGS THE BOYS, WE:
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
INT. SCHOOL GYM – LATER (DAY Cool (MADDIE, EXTRA)
MADDIE STANDS NEXT TO SISTER MARY FREDO.
MADDIE
The only thing standing between me and an A is this rope. I’m going to ring that bell, Sister!
WE FOLLOW MADDIE AS SHE CLIMBS THE ROPE.
MADDIE (CONT’D)
(CHANTING TO HERSELF) Get the sandals, get the sweater, gonna make myself look better. Gonna make it… I made it!
MADDIE RING THE BELL AND RAISES HER ARMS IN VICTORY.
MADDIE (CONT’D)
(REALIZING SHE’S LET GO) That can’t be good.
SHE FALLS OUT OF FRAME AND LANDS WITH A THUMP.
FADE OUT:
END OF SHOW
